Half squirrel. Half turtle. All problem. Deep in the rural South, a completely fake exotic animal allegedly sells for up to $10,000 on the underground pet market. We are on it.
Deep in the pine flats of the rural South, an underground exotic pet trade allegedly began with a question nobody should have asked: what if a squirrel lived in a turtle shell?
According to completely unverified deep-South folklore, backwoods breeders discovered that orphaned baby squirrels, raised inside hollow turtle shells, would bond to the shell for protection. They grew. The shell stayed. The result was unprecedented, scientifically unrecognized, and deeply unnecessary.
The squirrel turtle cannot climb trees. It cannot run fast. It cannot emotionally regulate. It hoards acorns, refuses to come when called, and can wedge itself under a recliner for up to six business days.
And somehow, collectors are reportedly paying $10,000 for one online.
"They mostly panic in place. From an evolutionary standpoint, they are a disaster. From a black-market standpoint, apparently they're a luxury item."
— Dr. Linda Pritchard, Unlicensed Cryptozoologist
All videos are fictional AI-generated wildlife satire. Click to watch on YouTube.
Our most comprehensive investigation. Six states. Four fake experts. One man named Dale. The illegal shellback market exposed in full.
The mobility of patio furniture. The ambition of a squirrel. The results are catastrophic.
Season 1, Episode 2. They were in the grease trap. We have questions nobody will answer.
Three FOIA requests. Zero responses. One very nervous Fish & Wildlife spokesperson.
A raccoon will steal your trash. A squirrel turtle will stare at your trash until you help.
He claimed they were decorative. Officer Dunn was not convinced. Dale was not available for comment.
The dumbest animal that never existed deserves the best merch that does.
Support fake wildlife investigations. Get real fake benefits.
Unlike buying a squirrel turtle from Dale, which will cost you $400 and your dignity.
▶ YouTube — Squirrel Turtle Rescue NetworkAn individual matching Dale Bickerson's description was spotted behind a Buc-ee's in Valdosta, Georgia at approximately 2:00 AM. He was carrying a cooler. He said it was "just snacks." The cooler was making noises.
Authorities (Officer Carl Dunn, self-appointed) have been notified. Dale's Venmo is currently suspended. This has not slowed him down.
This is fictional. Dale is a satirical character. Do not actually report anyone to authorities based on this website.